4.00am
Woke as Graham needed to go to the loo. He was OK without direct help but I put the light on so he didn’t trip - another night of broken sleep. All OK and back to bed. Can’t get back to sleep, so give up and go downstairs.
5.15am
Emailed my brother in USA with an update on news. We are in regular contact and he is very supportive even though so far away. Find an email from a friend in the village saying he missed seeing me at the Remembrance Service yesterday and hoped all is OK. Some lovely neighbours always ask after us both even though there isn’t much practical help they can give.
6.00am
Third cup of tea! Washing I put in machine last night is now in the dryer. Had a piece of toast as I read the news online. I would do some cleaning but need to be quiet so he can get more sleep. Neighbour has just driven past to open the village shop. Living in a quiet lane it’s nice to see movement. Mind you, there are times when we don’t speak to anyone else for three days at a time. Having both worked full time and seen scores of people every day it is a shock to feel so isolated.
Get some chicken out of the freezer and pop it in the slow-cooker for dinner tonight. Put on some quiet music as I potter around.
8.00am
G likes to get up around 8am to keep a routine. Check he is OK getting out of bed and into the bathroom without much help this morning. Decides he wants a shower so I stay in the bedroom in case he needs further help. A subtle check of the bed reveals no ‘accidents’ overnight. This can happen even with pads or pants. No problems so leave him to start dressing. Return to help get his socks and shoes on and check everything else is properly done up – having some problems again with dizziness and balance. Guide him very slowly downstairs
9.00am
In kitchen he says he will get his own breakfast but realises he has left medication upstairs, so off I go to get it. A good start to the day – no dropped cereal bowl like the other morning when I started the day biting my tongue trying not to make comments as I picked up bits of bowl from the floor.
9.30am
Head out to the fields with a very enthusiastic dog! This is ‘ME time’ even though I have my phone in case of an emergency at home. Put on an audiobook and immerse myself in a story - sci-fi today. Stand idly watching two deer with their fawns in a field. Got to get going again, I can’t be away too long.
10.15am
Home to find G on the sofa. He had another dizzy spell but managed to get himself safely sitting down. Quick guilt trip for me worrying that he could have fallen while I was out.
Do some housework. Check the dryer and set up ironing board as it is something he can help with even though it takes all day to get through what take me half an hour. Having to stop every ten minutes to rest is so frustrating for him, but I MUST let him do it.
11.45am
G says he is OK if I want to go to the gym. I try to get there twice a week and he sometimes comes with me, even though he cannot do any exercise – it’s a trip out. I feel selfish that I am grateful he isn’t coming with me as he slows me down and I feel I need to check on him as he sits waiting for me. Isn’t this supposed to be ‘ME time’?
1.45pm
Home to find him sitting in the lounge with daytime TV on. Heat up some soup I made two days ago for our lunch. Discuss upcoming hospital visits and I remember I need to find a dog walker for two times when we will be out all day. He gets back to more ironing.
2.30pm
Put my gym kit in the washer along with a few other bits and get ready for second dog walk. I have to do all the walks now as G is unable to go more than 50 yards without sitting down. It’s frustrating for him as well as me. He keeps apologising for not being able to help. It hurts so much that he feels it is his fault. Have a few minutes letting out emotions while walking – a big waggy tail and a cold wet nose nuzzling me brings me back to reality.
3.30pm
Back from walk having met a friend who is on maternity leave and has said she can walk Roco on the two days we need help. That’s such a relief.
Ask if G has remembered to order his regular medication from GP and he says he will do it later. Another thing to check on this evening without appearing to nag.
Mention that I put some chicken on to cook earlier and ask what he would like with it for tea. His appetite is poor recently so I try to prepare tasty meals he really likes.
Move the ironed clothes upstairs and put them away. The housework used to be shared, but now it is inevitably almost all down to me. At least I can’t criticise if it isn’t done MY way!
Call from hospital postponing one appointment. Great – just after I organised dog walker too! We are both upset and frustrated by a further delay in his medical investigations. He needs, and gets, a hug to console him.
5.00pm
Baking a cake as a thank you to the friend who is going to do the dog walks. Cooking used to be a great pleasure for me but these days it seems more like a chore. Can’t be bothered to prepare fresh, so get out frozen veg to go with the chicken casserole for tea.
6.00pm
G has suddenly gone very pale. Says he feels woozy. Checked BP, oxygen and glucose levels. All OK so probably part of the general heart problems. Wish we could get that checked quicker.
Eating dinner, we chat about money. I am looking at keeping cost of meals down and plan soups, casseroles and dishes I can prepare in a slow-cooker to keep electricity bill down and still have wholesome hot meals during winter without breaking the bank.
Remind him about prescription order. Ask if he has taken his evening meds.
7.00pm
G insists on washing up so it’s a little while before he comes to sit and relax for the evening. Dog lies between us getting fuss from both which we find relaxing.
9.00pm
G decides he is tired and needs to head to bed. Remind him he has to take his evening meds and follow him upstairs – again ready to catch him, as he is very unsteady.
He manages to undress himself. No matter how close a couple is, there is little more demeaning than having to rely on someone to dress/undress you each day. A final reminder about the evening meds elicits a ‘stop nagging’ look before he says he can’t remember taking them. Go downstairs to check dosette box! Try not to sigh in frustration.
Check he is safe in bed and head downstairs to do a tidy round in the kitchen – the bits he forgets or misses – then to read a book and listen to music to relax for a bit. Suddenly I feel very alone.
10.00pm
Time for bed! Feel drained, which is my usual state at this time of night. Hope for a solid night sleep, but somehow doubt I will get it.
Tomorrow is another day.
